Imagine sailing the seven seas on a megaliner that floats on Champagne bubbles, has robot bartenders, a giraffe in a yellow swimsuit and the wherewithal to help you fly.
Yes, we're looking through the oceanic-looking glass, my friends, on the Dawn Treader strained through the Jolly Roger mashed against the Black Pearl and mated with the Millennium Falcon to produce a ship not unlike the Axiom starliner from Pixar's Wall-E movie.
Welcome to the Anthem of the Seas, Royal Caribbean's mind-boggling billion-dollar addition to the burgeoning cruise ship industry.
Of course, it doesn't really float on Champagne bubbles; that's just an analogy one of the PR flaks uses to describe the "air-lubrication system" that lines the hull with bubbles to reduce water drag – a hull which in turn is coated with a silicon-based paint that, she says, "makes the ship, for want of a better word, slippery". How it doesn't just float away is anybody's guess.
The rest is true: your Sex on the Beach cocktail is made by robot arms at the Bionic Bar and you really can learn to fly.
The Anthem of the Seas isn't the biggest passenger ship in the world but it comes equal third (behind the Oasis of the Seas and Allure of the Seas) with its almost identical sister ship, Quantum of the Seas (all by Royal Caribbean). A third quantum-class ship, Ovation of the Seas, is being built by the Meyer Werft company in Germany and is due to arrive in Australia for the 2016/17 cruise season. It will be the biggest cruise ship ever to visit Australian shores.
Even before seeing the ship for the first time the numbers are impressive: gross tonnage of 168,666, 348 metres long, 41 metres wide, capacity for 4905 guests and 1500 crew, 18 decks, 16 elevators, 4 bow thrusters with 4694 horse-power each, 2090 staterooms, a surf simulator, rock-climbing wall, sky-diving, an aerial pod-like observatory on a mechanical arm that would extend above the pylons of Sydney Harbour Bridge, dodgem cars and, according to president and CEO Michael Bayley, a bandwidth that is "greater than the rest of the entire cruise industry". Oh, and on the inaugural sailing out of the UK they had British tea bags (though it doesn't make UHT single-serve milk taste any better).
And then it appears over the stacked containers of Southampton's docks like some massive white iceberg, albeit one with a yellow giraffe clinging to the top of it. The giraffe is called Gigi, we discover, and is an artwork by French artist Jean Francois Fourtou. A similar work, a giant pink polar bear called Felicia, graces Quantum of the Seas and an as-yet-unknown animal (the execs are coy about its exact nature) will sit atop the Ovation when it sets sail in 2016.
At first sight the ship is, quite simply, preposterous. It shouldn't exist and yet there it is in all its absurd, irrational glory, bristling with bandwidth, teeming with technology and looming over what now seem like Southampton's puny docks like some Steven Spielberg spaceship. E.T really could phone home from this thing.
Technology plays a big part in the Anthem experience, from the swift, low-key check-in by staff armed with wi-fi tablets to the personal tap-and-go wristbands which open your room and are used all over the cashless ship to record purchases and, importantly, order those cocktails from the robot bartenders.
After that, it's a question of what to do next. The ample cabins (some interior ones have virtual, real-time balconies) are not overly luxurious (unless you're in one of the two-storey ones with their own patio), but then again, you're really not going to be spending much time in them when there's so much to see and do.
Two of the main attractions are the RipCord by iFly, the first ever skydiving experience at sea, and the North Star, the London Eye-like pod that rises on a giant, swivelling mechanical arm to more nearly 100 metres in the air and then extends out beyond the ship.
Sane people might ask why quirks like these are necessary on a cruise liner, but for Royal Caribbean, the answer seems to be, "why not?" The same goes for the dodgem cars. During our time on board, all three are hugely popular.
The SeaPlex, where the 30 bumper cars live, is said to be the largest indoor active space at sea, and at various times converts into a basketball court, a circus school complete with trapeze and, in the evening, a roller disco rink. It also features an X-Box room and ping-pong tables. You'll also want to take advantage of one or all of the four swimming pools (including a glass-canopied, adults-only solarium pool), the state-of-the-art fitness centre, the spa, the nine-metre rock climbing wall and the giant poolside movie screen.
Rumour has it that the ship actually goes places, too. Portugal, the Canary Islands, Belgium, Spain, Italy and France are suggested during this European season, after which it heads across the Atlantic to take up permanent residence on the Bahamas, Bermuda and Caribbean circuit.
The eight-night trans-Atlantic cruise to New Jersey on October 27 would be the perfect time to get acquainted with the rest of the ship's attractions. None of that pesky getting on and off stuff to take you away from the live bands in the 559-seat music hall, the award-winning Queen-inspired We Will Rock You musical in the 1300-seat Royal Theatre and 18 dining options that include Jamie's Italian, a traditional hot dog stand and Wonderland, a temple to molecular gastronomy where you start what amounts to a surreal medieval feast by "painting" your own menu.
It's a bit like being a spoilt child waking up on Christmas morning and not knowing which present to open first. There's everything from sushi to soups, burgers to roast beef rolls, a la carte to café, gourmet to grills.
Finally, there's the vast two 70° room astern, a multi-level, 540-seat room named for its 270-degree panoramic sea views through floor-to-ceiling windows that span three decks. It's a stunning space, but it really comes into its own when its enormous screen curtains are closed to create a screen 6.7 metres high and 32 metres wide.
In front of these, six robotic arms not unlike those in the Bionic Bar move six 100-inch hi-res LED screens around in a balletic motion enhanced by 3D animation. The cumulative effect, as seen in the specially made short video Dance in a Box, is stunning.
If you can't make it to Europe or the US then make a note: Ovation of the Seas will arrive in Sydney for the peak summer season from December 2016. Cruise fares are expected to start from $199 a day and bookings will open mid-way through this year. Royal Caribbean suggests potential guests register their interest at royalcaribbean.com.au/Ovation to be the first to receive information when more details are announced.
royalcaribbean.com.au.
Royal Caribbean can handle air arrangements and transfers between airport and the departure port and back again at an additional cost. For info visit www.royalcaribbean.com.au, phone 1800 754 500 or see your local travel agent.
All the major airlines operate frequent flights between Sydney and Melbourne and London. For independent travellers, there are frequent, regular trains to Southampton from London's Waterloo station. Visit thetrainline.com for times and prices. Another good destination for information about transfers between airports/London and the cruise terminal is londontoolkit.com
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