It was 1972 and an excited family was headed for Hawaii. Not mine, unfortunately. Our family holidays were slightly less exotic when we were kids – Bundanoon, Port Macquarie, Ulladulla, Surfer's Paradise and the big one – when my parents went a little bit crazy and we went overseas. To Tasmania.
When I watched the three episodes of The Brady Bunch filmed in Hawaii, I immediately wanted to go there. It looked like heaven – the beaches, the waves, the hotels, the luaus. Marcia in a bikini.
But we never went. It took a few decades, but I finally had my own family and decided it was time. The Divola Bunch were going to Hawaii. And like Mike, Carol and the kids more than 40 years ago, we decided to hang out in O'ahu, dividing our week between two resorts. With four-year-old Coco, 18-month-old Abbie and my wife (age undisclosed) in tow, my mission was to make everyone happy and also fulfill my desire to relive the Bradys' experience – perhaps minus Greg's surfing wipeout on coral; Peter's nocturnal encounter with a tarantula and Alice putting her back out during a hula lesson.
In the days leading up to our departure, three cyclones surround Hawaii and I wonder if that cursed tiki idol that haunted the Bradys is lurking somewhere in our house. The cyclones move on by the time we arrive, but – spoiler alert – more weather is to come.
First stop, Aulani, A Disney Resort and Spa. Opened in 2011 in Ko Olina (Hawaiian for "place of joy"), this 351-room, 481-villa resort was "imagineered" by Disney. A thousand people work here and they are all called "cast members" whether they're wearing a Mickey Mouse suit or cleaning your room. They like putting on a show and they kill you with kindness.
On our first morning we attend a character breakfast. It's a buffet, but calling it a buffet doesn't do justice to the eye-popping variety, quality and quantity of food on offer, including fresh fruit, cereals, hot breakfasts, waffles shaped like Disney characters and a chef who will make an omelette to your specifications. But the big drawcard is the fact that Mickey, Minnie and Goofy stop by the tables, posing for photos and pressing the flesh with their plush, oversized hands.
Despite the presence of cartoon characters, Aulani is designed to be a Hawaiian experience rather than a Disney theme park. The arch, reflected in everything from the architecture to the resort's symbol, is a tribute to the traditional Hawaiian canoe house and Aulani is home to one of the world's biggest collections of Hawaiian contemporary art in the world.
On arrival my wife receives a flower lei, I get a kukui nut necklace and the kids are given necklaces with tiny creatures on them. These are menuhene, who according to Hawaiian legend are mischievous little people who hide from humans and secretly build things at night. There are 300 menuhene hidden around Aulani and our kids delight in spotting them during our stay, whether shaded by shrubbery in one of the gardens or tucked away in a recess in the ceiling of one of the elevators.
There are plenty of Hawaiian experiences on offer, including ukulele lessons, lei-making classes and traditional storytelling around a firepit. On our second night we go to the Starlit Hui on the Halawai Lawn, where dancers and musicians re-enact Hawaiian stories and encourage guests to join in.
If you're into exercise, you can do tai chi and yoga on the beach at sunrise, or take part in paddle fitness classes, cardio workouts or any number of beach boot camps. Frankly, just reading the list made these two parents of small children exhausted. We're here for some serious relaxation, water-based activities and eating and drinking. Our days pass by in a blissful blur of all of the above.
In the centre of the resort is Pu'u Kilo, a man-made mountain that houses two water slides and is the starting point for the lazy river, which meanders through the middle of Aulani. Coco and I make it a daily ritual to do at least three laps, floating on inflatable rafts that are pushed slowly by the gentle current. Several pools cater to different needs, including an infinity pool for lazing and gazing out to sea, the Menuhene Bridge for toddlers, featuring fountains and wading pools, and even an adults-only pool where you can hire private cabanas featuring fridges and TVs. One afternoon I don a snorkel and float around Rainbow Reef, a rock pool inhabited by 1300 colourful fish.
We eat somewhere different for each meal, from bar food and cocktails at The Olelo Room, which cleverly incorporates Hawaiian words into its design, to the high-end restaurant Ama'ama, an oasis overlooking Ko Olina Beach, with freshly caught seafood and the best vantage point for the inevitably spectacular sunset.
Aulani is designed for you to stay where you are. And you end up being very happy doing exactly that.
For the second half of our holiday the family shifts to the Hilton Hawaiian Village in the heart of Waikiki. We stay on the 15th floor of Ali'i, one of seven towers in the eight-hectare, 3386-room hotel. It has a place in pop culture history. Elvis stayed one floor below us when he filmed Blue Hawaii in 1961 and the hotel featured in the movie. It was where the detectives in the 1960s TV show Hawaiian Eye had their offices. And from our window I can gaze at the same stretch of Waikiki Beach where the Bradys hung out all those years ago.
Coco goes a little nuts when she sees the swimming opportunities – there are five pools and a saltwater lagoon. Throughout our stay we drift from waterhole to waterhole. We also follow the Bradys' example by having a hula lesson. Taylor, our smiley instructor, takes us through the moves for the "Hukilau", a traditional Hawaiian song about fishing. Even little Abbie gets into it. The Divola family is now available for performances, with embarrassing dad on ukulele.
With 20 onsite restaurants and cafes, food options are everywhere. On our first night, which happens to be my birthday, we dine at Bali Steak And Seafood and watch the sun set through palm trees as we eat roasted mahi mahi with macadamia nuts and seared ahi with citrus ponzu sauce.
While we're contemplating dessert, the music from the PA stops and there's an announcement. The tsunami warning has been downgraded to a tsunami advisory. We've been living in such an O'ahu bubble that we had no idea about any tsunami at all. And guess who has a surfing lesson the next day? Is that damn tiki idol hiding in our luggage?
The next morning is calm and clear. The hotel is right on Duke Kahanamoku Beach, named after the Olympic swimming champion and beloved father of surfing. Bo, my instructor, tells me that there may be some stronger currents today, but the waves aren't too big. Then he shows me how to fall to avoid getting cut up on coral. I try my best not to look worried.
"Don't look worried," he says, proving I haven't been too convincing. "Hardly anyone ever hurts themselves if they fall the right way."
Then he points towards the horizon. "See those two buoys out there?"
I shield my eyes from the sun and spot two tiny things in the distance, bobbing in the waves. I nod.
"We need to paddle out there," says Bo.
I have the body of a writer, not a surfer. By the time I make it out to those buoys a week later – okay, 15 minutes, but it felt longer – muscles I never thought I owned are screaming in pain. End result? Unlike Greg Brady, I don't wipe out on coral. I do come back with grazed knees and chin from the board, but I feel the exhilaration of standing up on the very first wave I go for, moving in a vaguely beachward direction and squealing like a six-year-old girl the whole way. That night I sleep like the dead.
On our final night, we walk 15 minutes down the beach boardwalk to House Without A Key, an open-air bar that features killer cocktails, a backdrop featuring Diamond Head, a hula dancer who was a former Miss Hawaii and a three-piece band playing Hawaiian favourites. They even perform the "Hukilau", which prompts the Divola Bunch, who have no shame, to flaunt their moves.
The sunset is so ridiculously perfect that it looks like a digitally enhanced movie scene. We stroll back along the beach after dark and get back to the hotel just in time to see the Hilton's weekly Friday night fireworks. As the sky explodes with starbursts, Coco cuddles up to me.
"I like it better here in Hawaii than in Sydney, daddy," she informs me.
"Why's that?" I ask.
"There are a lot more pools in Hawaii."
"What did you like best about Hawaii, Abbie?" asks my wife.
"Minnie! Minnie!" she squeaks.
Cue canned laughter and roll credits on the Divola Bunch's trip to Hawaii.
gohawaii.com/au; visittheusa.com.au
Hawaiian Airlines flies to Honolulu from Sydney daily and from Brisbane four times a week. hawaiianairlines.com.au
Aulani, A Disney Resort & Spa, 92-1185 Ali'inui Dr, Kapolei. resorts.disney.go.com
Hilton Hawaiian Village, 2005 Kalia Rd, Honolulu. hiltonhawaiianvillage.com
