The look on the young man's face is one of sheer horror, and I can hardly blame him: the window seat he's been allocated is not only next to a couple carrying a young baby, but he'll be trapped for much of the flight by the bassinet attached to the bulkhead.
Offering to swap, so I can be seated next to my family, he gratefully accepts before hurriedly donning headphones and bracing himself for a sleepless night.
All hell breaks loose as the plane begins its descent, with children erupting into a chorus of tears.
Yes, we are those people — the ones with the potentially-crying baby.
We are every traveller's nightmare, the ones people pray about before boarding their flight: "Please God, don't let me be seated near them!"
I am travelling to Phuket on my first "intergenerational" family holiday, accompanied by my daughter Jo, her partner and their 11-month-old daughter Ellie. It's the baby's first time flying and her mother is naturally concerned about the logistics, as well as her child's wellbeing.
To tell you the truth, we're all dreading it and fearing the worst: we're going to need a holiday after this.
This process is remarkably smooth, even pleasant. The Jetstar counter staff are extremely helpful, allocating us an extra seat so we can spread out a little.
With Jetstar passengers charged for checked luggage, we have deliberately packed light, filling two suitcases largely with baby essentials and clothing. Dad Nic is travelling with carry-on only; the rest of our cabin baggage is dedicated to on-flight necessities such as baby food, formula, sterilised water, nappies and baby wipes.
Boarding is also a breeze: travellers with special needs and young children board first, bypassing the ridiculously long lines.
The flight from Sydney to Phuket is chock-a-block with young children; the wailing starts from take-off, though our little angel sucks happily on her dummy, seated on her mum's knee, with an extra seat-belt holding her secure.
So far, so good – but not for the man seated behind me, travelling with two children under the age of five.
His two-year old daughter screams like a banshee throughout take off – while Felix, the older boy, is already kicking the seat in front, something he'll continue to do for the entire nine hours, despite black looks from his frustrated victim.
Boredom sets in early for Ellie, however, and she squirms out of Jo's arms after the seatbelt sign has been switched off and onto the floor, where she meets and greets another infant on the crawl.
Their happy playgroup is shortlived, however, with the steward instructing us to get the children off the floor. Back on Jo's lap, attention-grabbing games of Peek-a-Boo and hours of "If You're Happy and You Know It" songs commence.
I have downloaded 40 episodes of Peppa Pig onto my laptop, and it makes a welcome appearance for a few time-killing minutes.
My daughter's first real challenge is a nappy-change: although every toilet on the Jetstar Dreamliner is fitted with a change table, its location above the toilet is awkward and cramped. "That was horrible!" Jo gasps as she returns to her seat, thrusting the baby into my arms and taking her turn in the spare seat.
My granddaughter is quite a placid child, and she is relatively unfazed by the restrictions to her movements.
Lights dimmed, Ellie manages to fall asleep without too much fuss in Jo's arms, her head cradled on a travel pillow. She wakes several times, however, when unwitting passengers bash into the seat en route to the bathroom, or grab at the headrest to balance.
I'm astonished how many people are oblivious to other's comfort as they pass by. The flight seems interminably long; but having the extra seat is a godsend, allowing one or two of us to nap or escape into movie-world while the others keep the baby occupied.
All hell breaks loose, however, as the plane begins its descent, with children erupting into a chorus of tears as cabin-pressure affects unprepared ears.
Ellie whimpers softly, refusing to suck on her dummy; but her cries are drowned by Felix's hollering, the poor little boy clearly in agony.
"Swallow, Felix, swallow!" his father yells, desperate to quell his child's pain.
There's a visible sigh of relief throughout the plane as we land; parents are overjoyed that they've survived the ordeal, while the other passengers scurry to escape kiddy hell and start their holiday in paradise.
Our return flight is a night flight, so there are two possible scenarios – either the baby will sleep the whole way … or she won't. We steel ourselves for a fitful night.
Once again, the Jetstar counter staff are generous, offering us the use of a bassinet. There are two bassinets in Economy on the 787 Dreamliner, both in the first row after Business Class (which means only a curtain separates the babies from passengers who have paid top dollar for a good night's sleep!)
The bassinet can be used any time during the flight except for take off and landing, with straps over the bassinet acting as a seatbelt during turbulence.
Ellie manages to get about three hours sleep before waking. And then it starts… Just as every other passenger is dozing off, Ellie starts to whinge.
She's out of sorts, teething and irritable – and nothing can console her. With the cabin lights dimmed for sleep, the crew have made themselves scarce – so while my daughter goes in search of boiling water for formula, I bounce wailing Ellie on my knee and generally try to distract her.
Aware that other passengers are being kept awake, I resort to walking her down the aisle; but the black looks I receive as I share the love drives me back to my seat. None of us sleep, and we're feeling wretched as the plane begins its descent into Sydney.
Request a bassinet on booking.
Pack your nappy bag carefully, ensuring essentials such as dummies and wipes are within easy reach.
Sucking helps to equalise ear pressure on take-off and landing; breast and bottle-feeding at this time is recommended, or at least have a dummy or lollies (for older children) on hand.
Carry bottled or sterilised water; the 100ml liquid rule is waived for babies.
Be prepared for long hours with the baby on your lap; they are not allowed to crawl on the floor, even in open spaces.
See also: Travelling with kids to some destinations just got a lot harder
