Road trip memories: 10 lessons you learnt from car trips with your parents

I don't want this to be one of those "back in my day" things, but anyway: back in my day, going to McDonald's was awesome.

We used to live two hours' drive away from the nearest purveyor of Happy Meals when I was a kid, which meant it was going to be a proper road trip – and a serious treat – if we were going to get one. And every now and then, we did. 

Those Macca's journeys are just small chapters, however, in the Great Book of Groundwater Family Road Trips. When you grow up in central Queensland, pretty much everything requires a road trip. A fast-food mission requires a road trip. Playing sport requires a road trip. Going camping requires a road trip. Going on an overseas holiday requires a road trip.

We had plenty of road trips. And they taught me a few things:

NO, WE'RE NOT THERE YET

It doesn't matter how many times you pose the question, "Are we there yet?" If you're still sitting in the back seat of the car, then there's a fairly good chance that no, you're not there yet. Either that or your incessant whining has caused your parents to do a runner. 

SOME STEREOTYPES ARE TRUE

I don't want to peddle lazy cliches here, but there are a couple of stereotypes that I noticed do have a ring of truth. One: men don't like asking for directions. It's a slight on their manliness. An admission that something has gone wrong, that they're incapable of doing things themselves. And two: women aren't great at reading maps.  

SAYING "STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER" WILL NOT STOP ANYONE FROM HITTING THEIR BROTHER

There are times when you really just want to hit your brother. Sock him square in the shoulder. Bash a few knuckles into his ribs. He's asking for it, clearly, the way he's sitting there quietly staring out the window. Having a figure of authority tell you not to do this is ultimately futile. 

WHEN YOU'RE FIVE, THE "NUMBER PLATE GAME" IS AWESOME 

Here's the deal: you choose a letter, and whenever a car goes past with a number plate that begins with that letter, you get a point. Hours of entertainment right there.

ANY MUSIC THAT'S PLAYED ON CHILDHOOD ROAD TRIPS WILL STICK IN YOUR HEAD FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

During a holiday in Canada when I was six, my dad played a Chris de Burgh album basically on repeat. Lady in Red has been stuck in my head ever since. On a camping trip a few years later we listened to the Traveling Wilburys – I still know all of the words to Handle With Care. 

DRIVING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD REQUIRES CONCENTRATION 

Regardless of how much you want to hit your brother, or sing along to Lady in Red, of politely enquire as to whether or not we're there, when you're in the northern hemisphere and your parents are driving on the other side of the road, absolute silence is required.

YOU SHOULD PAY ATTENTION WHEN YOU'RE TAUGHT HOW TO CHANGE A TYRE

I was 18. I was living in Scotland, I was driving a borrowed car, I had broken down on a lonely road somewhere in the middle of the Highlands, and I had just realised that I had no idea how to change a tyre. Pretty sure my dad taught me that at one point, but I wasn't really listening.

DAD JOKES ARE GREAT

A seven-hour car trip is essentially one grand, uninterrupted opportunity for your dad to roll out his most groan-worthy gags in front of a captive audience. My favourite came from a friend's father, who, during a road trip near Griffith in central NSW, told his family, "Well, I think we'll make Hay while the sun shines."

SAUSAGE ROLLS ARE THE BEST SERVO FOOD EVER

Forget meat pies – they're too hard to eat. If you're after the ultimate road trip foodstuff that's available at every service station ever, then look no further than the humble sausage roll. Sure, it might have been sitting in the warmer since 1977, but there's nothing better in the middle of a long journey that a lukewarm sauso smothered in tomato sauce.

APPLE TURNOVERS ARE THE BEST BAKERY FOOD EVER

If it's before 11am, you're well within your rights to ditch the servo sausage roll in favour of a bakery apple turnover. Every bakery in country Australia makes apple turnovers, and when you're a kid with a morning appetite, they're the best thing ever.

VOMIT BAGS ARE HANDY

Post sausage roll and apple turnover, it's worth having one around.

See also: Disneyland to Badlands: An epic trip through the US