Chinglish: Language of the Heart – China, Asia

I received an email two days ago from my friend who just landed in Kunming, China. He's lamenting that "nobody speaks English"! My reply to him was, "Well, you're no longer in Kansas, Dodo. Imagine that, people in China speaking only Chinese, what a shocker!"

The Chinese are trying
The Chinese are trying, trying very hard to be helpful and kind hosts. Street signs are written in English, as are traffic signs. If you are wandering lost, you will find yourself directed to exactly where you want to go – the "erection deck", and you will be very happy to know that there is "no smorking" allowed.

Driving from Kunming to Dali along a beautifully paved highway, you see signs in English warning you "don't drive tiredly" and if you are driving tiredly, it's well worth your while to remember "rear end collision – keep space". If your car overheats, not a problem for there is always a "water supply station" where perhaps you will find, exactly what you need, a "ladies sanctuary bag".

Menus in restaurants are also written for you in an English that will cause you to salivate like Pavlov's dogs. For eight yuan (7.5 Yuan = 1 USD), you will be able to purchase three "dumpling stuffed with the ovary and digestive glands of a crab", or the mouthwatering "sheep fried tendons". For the vegetarian, "mashroom fried without mest", or "pieces trenchtries fried". This delightful cuisine (I accidently wrote cruisine, ha, I'm turning Chinese) can be washed down with a bottle of spring water, "bear" or Nescafe Red Cup of coffee, which incidentally isn't all that bad.

Tired from that trek, stiff from the bus ride or just stiff from old age? Have no fear, ancient Chinese massage is here! "Are you stiff from travelling? Exhusted? Any Pain? Professional massage by top massurs and his members service for you." How fortunate that you have stumbled upon this mother lode of "top massurs". They will fix your "bone histiocytosis" or give you a "foot bath with Chinese herbs" (like soaking your feet in a cup of hot Chinese tea). This treatment will help any "sprain subluxation, waist and knee pain" and "cold and headache". Best part – an hour treatment for a bruising massage is 40 yuan; my chronic back stiffness of 10 years dissapated, although it took four treatments.

Stiffness gone, belly full, wallet not too empty, feeling loose and happy to be in China, you and your partner float back to your hotel where you decide to pamper yourself even further. You will find above the mini bar a myriad of products, even the three-plus-one shampoo for only 10 yuan. Why not? The directions are even written for you in English, how kind.

There you have it! You ARE radiant with hair that smells like "sheep fried tendons" and your partner is salivating like a wolf: pounces on you and begins to nibble at your neck, earlobes, your…. WAIT – why not try "Kiss – B"; a product that has passed ISO9001 Certificate.

"When you and your lover are kissing crazily, if there comes the unpleasantly peculiar smell of smoke or alcohol, halitosis, or germs, etc. Wouldn't the romance be cut down? Take it easy! Why not use Kiss-B? Kiss-B Mouthwash is a medicinal preparation made of thirteen rare Chinese medicines. It can help men and women to produce more saliva and amylase so as to get a more enchanting feel.The only-for-men Kiss-B Mouthwash can quickly clear away the white spots on the membrane in the mouth, get rid of dirt and clear out grease. The only-for-women Kiss-B Mouthwash can not only clear away peculiar smell, but also prevent the symptom out of using lipstick. Kiss-B Mouthwash will leave you a pink and romantic memory!"

With all that mouthwashing and "kissing crazily" going on, it's time to open another 10 yuan packet with red English print, "Like Fire to One's Heart's Content". WOW, yeah, bring it on!

"This product is the pure Chinese medicinal preparation refined many times and exquisite productive. It could enhance sexuality and energy of female. It can prevent any infectious diseases having no side-effect, no any stimulus no dependent. Directions: Use product ahead of 10-15 minutes. Use this produce and around the pudendum massaging tender for 2-3 minutes. Do not wash away by refined oil when on using. It can get better effect if you use Yirenbao lotion after these products."

There is another similar 10 yuan packet for the male, "The Passion is Lasting". However, in order not to put you to sleep, I'm not going into the boring details of how long a male's genitals should be massaged. Enjoy your forays into worlds unknown; be it China, Jakarta, Anchorage or Ushuaia. May your journeys always be "ENJOY REFRRESHING AND ROMANTIC".