Ni hau everyone,
They prowl the empty stations at night. Waiting, on fast bicycles. These are the brave men and women of the University English Departments. Selflessly devoting their time and efforts to the pursuit of native English speakers. Cleverly trapping their victims with insipid friendliness, free meals and tours of the city.
"Exchoos me, exchoos me! Hello, my name is Steven. I spik Englees. I am lecture from college. Can I be your good frien’? You please come eat my wife and children today?"
"Yes, of course I will. Tell me, will they be roasted or stir fried? Baiwei. Not too spicy I hope?"
"… Yes? You come eat my wife and children today?"
"Dui. Yes, but not right now. Zhang fei. I’ve just eaten and I couldn’t possibly face another kid ’til supper time."
"Oh, lata! Yes, lata no problem. Bade. I fetch you eight o’clock. Is okay?"
"That’s fine. I’m curious though, if your wife is the main course, then who cooks the little ones?"
"… Velly solly. You spik too fas’. I no understan’."
Apart from the food, which in China is unfailingly superb, these dinners tend to be mundane affairs punctuated with questions quoted directly from the Chinese text book on “How to Chit-Chat with Foreigner”.
After the usual barrage of twenty questions about where you come from, what work you do, whether or not you are married, how many children
you do or don’t have (What, no children? You have problem maybe?), how much your watch cost etc, you get to the really interesting questions:
"What is produce of South Africa?"
"Mainly wheat, maize, sugar, deciduous and tropical fruit, wine, fish, beef, mutton (and by products), iron ore, coal, gold, diamonds and people."
"People?" Baffled. Eyebrows doing the hokey-pokey.
"Yes, people. South Africa has 2.4% population growth. We grow a lot of people."
"Ah, like China."
"Yes, like China."
"What is economy of South Africa?"
Question no. 37, my favourite.
"Crap."
"Krep?" Frantically searching his dictionary under K.
"Yes. With 37% unemployment, 15% inflation, interest rates at 22% and only 20% of the population paying higher taxes than they do in Europe, the economy is crap. Mesa’ah."
Silence. The Chinese do not like swearing. Loss of face and all that.
"Do you like music?" A neat diplomatic change of tack. And a question made famous by the Indians. Typically succeeded by "What do you think of Chinese music?"
To which I’m sorely tempted to reply; "Crap."
The after dinner formalities are even more excruciating with scores of photographs followed by as many handshakes. Photos with every family member. Photos in front of the fire place, the front door, the bicycles. And in all of them you must not look at the camera, but at some point in the distance, reminiscent of Mao and the early communists.
To alleviate the boredom I often practice my Lenin salute; chest out, cap to the breast, but this rarely has the desired effect as to a man, everyone solemnly copies me. If I’m feeling particularly devious, then I do my Boy Scout salute.
