Republic of Gaijinistan 401: Living in a Gaijin House
Japan
“I could be bound in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space.”
– Hamlet Act II Scene II, William Shakespeare“Man cannot live on Beer and Doritos alone, but He can try.”
Official state motto of the Republic of Gaijinistan.
Nestled amongst a half-dozen hostess clubs, past two
love hotels and across the street from another love
hotel is the closet of a Gaijin House I once called
home. “Where you lay your head is home” old roving
wanderers say, so as long as there is a ceiling above
you and a wall or two to keep off the wind and rain,
one should not complain. Unfortunately, seven other
people also called the place home.
Crammed in like convicts of a Thai prison, there were
four people in each of the room’s two small bedrooms.
The two tiny bedrooms, which were completely occupied
by two sets of bunk beds and four narrow wall-lockers,
opened up to a small common room. The common room
consisted of a table, sofa, and a TV. Connected to it
in a narrow strip was the kitchen. In the kitchen two
doors led to the shower and the toilet. These two
rooms are generally rooms one would think should not
be in such close proximity with the kitchen. In the
span of foot feet, a person could be frying up eggs,
while one showers, and another checks up on his stock
in the logging industry. This was the ever so humble
abode of Room 401.
Despite these cramped conditions those of us bound in
that nutshell did not succumb to depression or
homicidal urges. In fact, many evenings we rented a
movie and drank cheap Sapporo beers and ate Doritos
long into the night in the “esprit de corps”.
Still the place was completely lacking in any
inspirational qualities. One night with one of my
roommates, Tom, we decided to change that. So after a
usual night of swilling Sapporos and Doritos,
we decided to declare the nation of “Gaijinistan”
within the confines of 401 with ourselves as Founding
Fathers and benevolent despots. We felt it necessary
to bestow upon our cramp and dingy place an air of
majesty and nobility. Granted, it was still a cramped
and dingy place but now it was a cramped and dingy
place imbued with dignity.
We drafted a Constitution, a Cabinet Positions list,
and an anthem. Our flag was a slightly crushed beer
can held aloft by a plastic chopstick stuck in an
empty wine bottle with a scrap of paper taped with
fake duct tape to the can that read
“Republic of Gaijinistan”. It was a beautiful thing
worthy of being saluted with drunken ardor.
Our national motto was: “Man cannot live on Beer and Doritos alone, but He can try.”
Taking our cues from history that complicated
constitutions tend to lead to confusion and
rebellions, we made our constitution short and simple.
Besides it was four in the morning and we were too
tired and inebriated to come up with anything
terribly long that required more of an effort than was
absolutely necessary.
THE CONSTITUTION of the REPUBLIC of GAIJINISTAN
“Henceforth, Therefore, Whyfore, Wherefore, and any
other neglected “-fore”, we do hereby proclaim the
noble state of The Republic of Gaijinistan within the
confines of this Room 401 with ourselves, Tom Thumb
and David M Weber, as Founding Fathers and subsequent
Rulers, feeling ourselves the only ones capable of
managing the arduous task of governance, not to
mention being the only ones awake at this hour.
“Forthwith: someone find out what Forthwith means.
“Second: All refrigerated items of condiment status
including drinks, excepting alcohol, of course, shall
be communal except for the last portion. Anyone
consuming the last portion of an item not belonging to
them will suffer a severe staring down and will be
spoken about with disdain for one day.
“Third: Dishes will not be allowed to pile up for more
than 4 days. Complaints by anal retentive citizens on
dish matters prior to the deadline will be severely
ignored and subjugated to possible ridicule.
“Fourth: Given the tight quarters and overall
citizenry laziness, a small amount of messiness will
be allowed within reason. Again complaints of a
nit-picky nature from anal retentive citizens will be
harshly ignored.
“Fifth: Keeping the bathroom stocked with Air Freshener
is the responsibility of all citizens for the
happiness and welfare of Gaijinistan.
“Sixth: Citizens will assist the Republic by
collecting tissue handouts, tea packets swiped from
internet cafes, nicked beer glasses, and various
condiments from restaurants for the use of all.
“We deem these rules to be fair and just, though subject to change at our whim.”
Our anthem was “God Save Gaijinistan” sung slightly
off-key and off-tempo to the tune of “God save the
Queen”. We had trouble instilling in our
roommates/subjects any sense of respect for our anthem
as we kept forgetting our own lyrics.
Our efforts at nationhood were met with a few raised
eyebrows and a few chuckles by the rest of the
apartment. It was more response than we had hoped
for.
The Republic of Gaijinistan lasted an astonishingly 36
hours. We filled that time with long-winded,
meaningless proclamations and shameless propaganda of
the Republic’s two leaders. Then apathy slowly reared
its unconcerned head and Tom and I soon lost interest
with managing the Affairs of State.
We were content to simply become the self-deposed
heads of Gaijinistan. We had accomplished what we set
out to do: 1) kill some time; and 2) make our tiny
nutshell of a place a bit more livable. From time to
time we would revive the Republic briefly whenever the
walls threaten to close in too tightly and our spirits
were lagging.
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