Was That Really Me?
Thailand (Koh Phangan)
I remember feeling clumsy, stupid, and alone the moment my friend let me go from his embrace at the airport. He helped me throw on my pack, gave me a kiss, and told me to take care of myself. For a second there, I thought about backing out. That second passed, he was gone, and I was standing in front of the check-in by myself. What should I do now? I turned around and walked in.
Finally, time to get seated on the plane! But of course, before I could sit down, I had to face the dreaded overhead compartment. It’s always just out of my 5’4″ reach. Even before I lifted my bag up to my shoulder, three different men motioned to help. I thanked them, though I wasn’t quite sure if it was entirely sincere or not.
Walking through the Bangkok airport wasn’t as intimidating as I feared. It was probably because it was in the middle of the night and completely devoid of people. Later on at the hotel, I felt more alone than ever, laying in this bed that’s not even mine, in the middle of some far off country, thousands of miles away from anything I knew.
The next morning, I hopped onto another plane to fly down to Koh Samui so I could catch the ferry at Big Buddha Pier to get to Koh Phangan. Sitting there, waiting for the next ferry, I got plenty of stares. Never seen a pierced, tattooed, Chinese girl by herself? I was chatting with two girls from Canada as we got ourselves situated on the ferry. They both remarked how brave I was to be by myself. It was the first of many, many times I would hear that.
I finally arrived at the bungalows I would be staying at. For the first couple days, I was too scared to venture out beyond the resort. I’d wake up, eat some delicious food at the restaurant right in front of my bungalow, sit by the swimming pool that overlooked the beach, read my book, and write for pages on end in my journal.
One day, I was sitting on the soft white sand, looking out at the turquoise water. I was basking in this beautiful Thai sun, a coconut shake in my hand. It was such a sublime moment. It was then that I realized, “I’m here!! Do something about it!!” The call of discovery was beginning to take over. Isn’t that why we all become travelers in the first place? By this time, my curiosity about what this island had to offer was driving me insane! Forget about the stares, the insecurities, the worries about getting lost; I’ll just commit to memory every step I take and then backtrack to the bungalow. Or, I figured I could always just take a taxi back.
As I traveled through Koh Samui, Bangkok, and Chiang Mai, I still noticed people looking at me. Some of them would even come up and talk to me, asking why I was alone. I always answered it was because I chose to be alone. Although, I never got so confident so as to not play it safe – I still told people I have a friend waiting for me somewhere. Whenever I got attention that I didn’t want, I showed them how much of a condescending bitch I could be.
A month later, I was getting onto a plane to go back home. I didn’t accept any help putting things into the overhead compartment. I came back tanned, fit, confident and feeling gorgeous. I was smiling for days, had so many stories to tell everyone, so many presents and pictures for everyone. Then I celebrated my 20th birthday.
It’s been almost three months since I came back. Thinking back, I wonder how it was even possible that at one point, I wasn’t sure if I could do it or not. But when I was there, I began to trust myself more and more with every passing day. I knew what I was doing, and I acted accordingly. I looked like I knew where I was going, even though for the most part, the only thing I knew was that I was heading towards a new experience. I talked like I’ve gone there so many times before, thanks to reading past articles and stories about Thailand. And I remembered bartering and haggling like hell as I laughed and smiled with the vendors. Rarely did people question me about whether or not I knew what I was got myself into, but definitely no one ever doubted my ability to handle it. I think it was because I learned to not doubt myself. If, indeed, I had doubts, I wouldn’t have gotten onto the plane in the first place. When I was in Thailand, so many women, Thai and farang alike, came up to me and told me how brave I was, how they could never do what I’m doing. Even now, my friends tell me how much they admire me for going it alone, how they’d be too scared to. But I always tell them they can.
It’s just a matter of when.
