Driving, Vietnamese Style – Vietnam

Driving, Vietnamese Style
Vietnam

At home when it comes to road rules, we believe in orderliness to keep everyone safe. While in Vietnamm, I realized we are under-utilizing many tools at our disposal. Our government is spending our money on such useless items as traffic lights and stop signs.

In Vietnam the only way to get around is to avoid all sense of order. We are clearly not taking full advantage of the horn on our vehicles, usually only remembering it exists when someone is dozing ahead of us at a green traffic light. Get rid of the traffic lights and use your horn as much as possible!

Honk at every given opportunity, especially when driving directly into oncoming traffic in a busy intersection. Honk! Honk! Honk! Try to pass everyone on the road. If you think you don’t have enough room – give it a go anyway and honk even more as you attempt. Remember, lanes are created only as an example of where people drive in other countries so you can see how silly they must be.

“Drive on the right hand side of the road” actually means “eventually,” you make your way towards the right side of the street. One-way streets really indicate that “most” vehicles “should” go in the same direction.

Key to this method of driving is to never look as though you will move out of anyone’s way. Driving straight towards or into oncoming traffic is strongly encouraged. Some may concern themselves with causing accidents – no worries. If you do get into one, it is considered a high form of entertainment. People come from miles to inspect and socialize around the scene. I reckon one becomes very popular, assuming one survives!

Rules of the road normally contribute to boring bus trips between cities. Not in Vietnam. You can sit and enjoy watching your bus driver play chicken with oncoming traffic – transport trucks are best for this game. Clearly our driver lost the game. On one trip I did not want to be a witness when we finally collided. So I curled up in the aisle of the bus. It was the most comfortable (if not sanitary) place on the bus until the air conditioning broke down.

At the end of the day I had only one minor injury. I found out that armrests are dangerous. Mine left me with a damaged nerve which removed most of the feeling from my pinky finger. Sometimes you have to make tough choices. Although the more expensive sleeper trains are more comfortable, being crammed into a tiny room with five Asian men and cockroaches is not my favorite way to spend a night.

The best of Vietnam was the South – most of the scams are in the North. I figure my losses totaled US$100 and only half of that was monetary.

The finalists for the best scam were the tour office who sold me the fake bus ticket leaving me running around Hoi Ann calling every number available before finally breaking down and buying a real bus ticket. And the woman who sold me the oranges, refused to give me my change, then starting screaming in Vietnamese to create a scene and scare me away. Although the woman won on creativity, I did get my money back. I lost on the bus ticket so I say the tour office won.

The South treated me well. Hoi Ann provided a whole new wardrobe for just over US$100. Nha Trang gave me time to float in a tube in the sea while drinking red wine, crashing into other drunken tourists and listening to our bartender sing “I love Canada” over and over convinced it was the American national anthem.

The bars in Nha Trang handed out “free love” tickets entitling ladies to exactly what the ticket stated. Although I thought this was my moment, I left with all my tickets in hand (even the beer-sodden ones that I salvaged from the floor and dried on the back of my chair – do you think that made me look a bit desperate?). I doubt whether these can be cashed anywhere else in the world.

It was interesting to visit a country whose history is so wrapped up in war. Anyone who is pro-war would have a momentary change of heart if they could visit some of the museums in Saigon. Few people left without tears in their eyes. The common sentiment in the signature book was, “Do not repeat this horror.” Enough said.

Even my departure from Vietnam was bitter sweet. In Saigon there are little girls who try to sell you chewing gum constantly. An Aussie girl and I had spent several days joking and teasing these girls, and when we explained that we were leaving, they started to cry. That was the sweet bit. The bitter bit was when I went to the airport, where they tried to rip me off by not giving me enough change. Sigh. I was glad I went but I was happy to leave too.

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