Mad science in the kitchen

WHERE Panama City.

HOW MUCH $US18.50 ($28) for the long menu, $US8.25 for the short.

WHY I'll freely admit that I stumbled upon this place because it had the same name as the setting for 1980s British sitcom 'Allo! 'Allo! The photo of the sign was more important than the menu.

However, it was worth staying for more than a snapshot - it turns out that Rene Cafe has one of the maddest and best-value culinary philosophies I've ever seen. There's no messing about with the menus. There's a short one and a long one. The only choice in what you're getting is whether to have pork, fish or chicken with your rice. The dessert and the entrees go tantalisingly undescribed.

After eating there, it becomes clear that this is probably because the chef likes to rustle up the dishes on a whim, probably experimenting every day.

The long menu, however, should only be attempted if you're feeling thoroughly gluttonous or have a family of starving children under the table to whom you can slip morsels while the waitress isn't looking. The concept is probably somewhere between French (a degustation menu with lots of small dishes) and Spanish (tapas). The execution, however, is more US style (the dishes really aren't that small).

As for the look and atmosphere, well, it's a bit of everything. The tables look rather formal - the glasses are sparkling, everything is laid out just so. But the tablecloths are a warm and homely burgundy and yellow, rather than the starched white that might be expected. There's an open kitchen and the background music is a blend of jaunty jazz and salsa. It doesn't make sense but it works.

And the same applies to the food. From the moment the bread and garlic butter hits the table, a non-stop train of rampantly eccentric dishes arrives. First it's the big bowl of salad, then a Spanish-style tortilla made from potatoes and vegetables.

Before there's even a hope of finishing them, the prawns arrive, covered in a tomato-based sauce.

Then there's the ravioli in a sweet, peppery sauce (a combo of Italian and local). And just in case that wasn't quite random enough, there's also a Chinese wonton with soy dip.

The logical way to top that little lot off, of course, is with an octopus and vegetable skewer covered in a deliciously tangy salsa.

For most people, this blitz of plates would be more than enough. But there's the main course to come.

Instead of a choice between the fish, pork and chicken, you get all three. The fish is covered in pesto, the pork is sweet and sour and the chicken comes in a capsicum and onion sauce that could trace its provenance to anywhere in South-East Asia between China and Indonesia.

All come with a gigantic bowl of rice that has a Caribbean tinge and is laced liberally with pineapple, herbs and spices.

Despite this amounting to about 10 courses from random spots around the globe, there's no scrimping on dessert. It's simple but gorgeously effective - bananas covered in a cinnamon sauce, served with coconut ice-cream.

The short menu, presumably aimed at the non-Human Bucket clientele, has only two of the starters and a choice of the three mains. It's still enough for two people, however, and remains a round-the-world culinary jaunt.

It's the sort of meal that, anywhere else in the world, would be served in a high-concept, outrageously expensive restaurant. At Rene Cafe, it comes with a smile and costs just loose change.

FREE STUFF Rene Cafe also doubles as something of an art gallery. The walls are covered in a series of bright but odd pictures by local artist Errol Brown.

Particularly engaging is the portrait of a couple curled up in the same chair listening to a gramophone, and the almost cartoonish portrait of a big-haired Caribbean woman in giant sunglasses.

ADDED BONUS The wine isn't all that great a deal - you'll pay almost Australian prices for an average Chilean red. But let's face it, no wine is going to be a proper mix with such an eclectic menu and beer is a much better option. Luckily a Balboa - the local drop - in a big, frosted glass costs only $US3.

DETAILS Rene Cafe, Calle 7a Este, San Felipe, phone +507 262 3487 .