With the help of the resident doctor, Max Anderson finds the ingredients for longevity at a high-end lodge.
'If you want to live longer," Dr Lee Nelson, a beacon of Californian health, says, "I believe you should eat four 'superfoods' every day."
Let me be frank: the word "wellness" gives me the heebie-jeebies and "wellness retreat" makes me think of colonic irrigation.
But Nelson, the host of the Split Apple wellness retreat, is giving me a bottom line I can handle. Four foods. Long life.
"Pomegranate juice, wild salmon, blueberries and green tea," he says.
Ruefully, I inspect my Marlborough sauvignon blanc, a straw-coloured glass of gooseberries glinting in the sharp afternoon light.
"Every day?" I ask.
"Every day. It's about attaining a state of wellness. You're trying to decrease the chances of getting sick." Nelson laughs. It's an odd, barking laugh deployed somewhat randomly. But like the good doctor himself, it's unusual and intriguing.
We really could be in California, sat at an outdoor table high on a bluff overlooking blue-blue waters and rich, green headlands bathed by a golden microclimate.
The three-suite resort is a statement of wealth and taste that borrows from Frank Lloyd Wright and the temples of Kyoto, with Zen gardens terraced down to boulders, sand and water.
Only, this is not San Francisco Bay, it's the Tasman Sea on the tip of New Zealand's South Island. The nearby towns of Motueka and Marahau are peopled not with Malibu models but forestry and farming types given to calling each other "bro" and rating the good things in life as "choice" (namely fishing, the All Blacks and beer).
"Actually, it's California without the negatives," Nelson says. "And New Zealanders are among the coolest people in the world."
In December 2009, Nelson and his wife, Pen (a demure culinary whiz who is the yin to his yang), opened their lodge. Suites cost from $NZ1495 ($1096) a night, although $NZ5495 a night will get you a suite plus the whole lodge to yourself. Exclusive? Of course. And the perfect place for chief executives and celebrities to de-stress, detox or simply "de-light" in the anonymity. (Since you ask, staff remain tight-lipped on the celeb thing for fear of being hung out on a pohutukawa tree and fed to the tui birds, although bemused locals say they've spotted the like of DeGeneres, Travolta and Gaultier.)
Let's be clear, however, Split Apple is not a health farm; it's a luxury lodge with a philosophy, blending good living, smart food and a respect for the beautiful things in life.
Your space is shared with Asian artworks dating from the 3rd century. If Pen isn't cooking up a perfect aromatic storm, the air is scented with reed tatami mats, rich blond timbers and fresh flowers. Soothing sounds are piped from a discreet system - or else it's left to the Tasman to provide the soundtrack as it polishes the rocks below.
Two of the Split Apple suites are oriental, one is Western. The indulgence is rarely ostentatious, tailored instead to soothe and always deferring to the vistas. Naturally, there are glass walls that slide away; in the bathroom of the Fuji Room, where the onsen bath is filled until it spills, one can lie watching far-off motes of light cast by bayside towns and celestial bodies.
Next morning, after a cleansing cup of boutique green tea, I try things I'd usually avoid, like, well, a cleansing cup of boutique green tea. I take to the infrared sauna with detox facility before plunging into the infinity pool. I try meditation. I sit in the garden and watch the sea.
I also walk through a steep forest of hardwood trees and giant ferns to a beach where the real Split Apple - a giant boulder cleaved in two - is found. I'm collected by water taxi for a perfect excursion to Abel Tasman National Park; it drops me at the head of an eight-kilometre headland walk and collects me at its sandy tail-end.
At this stage you might be thinking Split Apple is a little too health-conscious, maybe putting some "ache" into your vacation. Fear not: there's a whopping eight-seat theatre that is a bit of a boy's room and great for sport or action flicks.
The guest television systems are wired into a 250-movie digital library and, while smokers will definitely receive short shrift, this temple of the soul has a wine cellar secreting some of the world's best vintages.
But it's the bayside dining table to which I am drawn. Everything upon it is a revelation - and everything, except my white wine, is good for me. There's the mandarin salad with bean sprouts, pink grapefruit, peanuts and prawns.
There's the fresh fish - much of it raw or delicately seared - and mountains of fruit, neither of which I can get enough of.
"It's actually the best of Mediterranean diet and Japanese diet," Pen says. "And you can eat as much of it as you like."
I'm intrigued by some of the finer details. Nelson jokes that sugar is the "white Satan", a high-glycaemic evil that goads the body into demanding more sugar, all the while inflaming parts that shouldn't be inflamed. He replaces it with xylotol crystals that are somehow harvested from under the bark of a Finnish birch tree. Milk - bad - is supplanted by a creamy cashew milk, made from crushed cashews mixed with water in a 2:1 ratio.
It might sound a bit California hippie-dippy but it's delicious, it's born of science and it battles the toxins we pump into our bodies routinely.
Nelson, meanwhile, will serve up as much or as little of his knowledge as you wish. He's fascinating: a GP who forged his expertise on nutrition and longevity after he beat prostate cancer; an auteur who travels to obscure corners of Japan to acquire specialty teas; and a champion in the rather non-salubrious world of Texas hold 'em poker. Eh?
Look carefully in the theatre room and you'll find a trophy cabinet with various cups, plates and obelisks, including the 2006 Aussie Million trophy for no-limit hold 'em (that's million as in million dollars). It turns out he is Lee "Final Table" Nelson, a card sharp that online Poker Pages notes for winning "more than $2.2 million in less than a decade of tournaments".
"Sure, guests can play if they like to play." He laughs again - a laugh, incidentally, that once made it on to Wikipedia for its "irritating nature and ability to distract other players".
Eight months after my trip to Split Apple, I'm in a rare position to offer an ongoing testimony to a brief lodge stay.
So permit me to lay hand on heart and say the word "wellness" still gives me the heebie-jeebies and "wellness retreat" still makes me think of colonic irrigation. But my kitchen is always stocked with pomegranate juice, wild salmon, blueberries and green tea.
When life gets this good, you want it to be a long one.
Max Anderson stayed courtesy of Split Apple Retreat.
FAST FACTS
Getting there
The nearest international airports to Nelson are Wellington and Christchurch. Air New Zealand, Emirates, Qantas, Jetstar and Virgin Pacific have non-stop flights to either or both cities from Melbourne and Sydney (about 3hr). Fares cost from about $210 one-way including tax. Air New Zealand flies from Wellington to Nelson (30min) for about $110 one-way.
Staying there
Exclusive use of Split Apple Retreat costs $NZ5495 ($4050) a night for the first room; second and third rooms can be booked for $NZ1150 each. If you book six months in advance you can take out a single suite, costing from $NZ1840 a night, minimum two nights. Tariffs are based on twin share and include all meals and use of facilities, not including alcohol and massages. Book three nights and transfers to and from Nelson are free (usually about $NZ200 each way). The Abel Tasman park day trip costs about $NZ60 return. See splitappleretreat.com.
